Cleaning and Cleaning and Cleaning

Today I had to deal with a child sobbing because of a toilet. Strange right?! Let me expound on how a toilet can cause red face alligator tears. Today I had the kids help clean up the house that literally looked like a tornado hit it. Normally I only make them clean their rooms and the playroom, but since they had taken it upon themselves to drag their stuff (mess) around the entire house, I had them help with all the rooms.

So they cleaned spills and marks off the floor, vacuumed the rug, cleaned their rooms, the playroom and then I essentially ordered them around to clean other things.

So the big moment: I tell Benjamin to go get a wipe and clean up the toilet - Grace obviously thinks that sounds like something she would like to do, so she rushes and yells, "I'll do it!" Ben runs after her and says "No Mom said me!" At this point they are literally arguing over who is going to wipe down the toilet. I go back to settle the argument and Ben is on his bed bawling, red faced with huge tears. So to settle the argument and quell the tears, I promise Grace she can vacuum and tell Ben he can do the toilet. This makes everyone happy (including me) and the tears cease. All is right with the world again, Ben gets to clean the toilet and Grace gets to vacuum - isn't life grand.

When we are done, Grace informs me that she and Ben did all my job and I hardly did anything (yeah right). Now she has become the mess nazi getting onto anyone that leaves a mess anywhere in the house. Maybe I will make them help with the house everytime, the house has been clean for 2 full hours and the kids are "exhausted of cleaning" and watching t.v. Life is good and my house is clean. What more could I ask for? Uhhh . . . well maybe my husband home, a million dollars, the ability to transport myself like on Star Trek or a private plane, and a bikini body again? That's not too much right? I guess I will settle for a clean house and exhausted children.

Comedians

So being a mom is tough sometimes, but at other times it is probably the funniest place on earth to be. The innocence of a child, unaware of social norms and proper etiquette can create some of the funniest moments ever.

Case and point, today my dad was playing the board game "Trouble" (ironic right) with the kids. About 15 minutes into the game my son decides to express his feelings about the game . . . in song. So he begins to sing, "This is booorrriiinnnggg." Then he proceeds to pull his playing pieces off the board and try and stick them on his fingers - In other words, I am so done with this game.

Or

I go to check on Ben and he is in his room dancing around singing, "Zoo Pals, the lion says roar, zoo pals, the cow says moo, zoo pals the dog says ruff." And on and on it went - Zoo pals for those of you that don't know are paper plates in the shape of animals. Ben's take on them, "They are a must have thing mom." (His words)

Or

I see Grace my sweet princess, girly girl eating a snack and chugging down a juice box that then results in a burp. To which her reply is, (rubbing her belly) "That's a sign that the tank is full." She later tells me this is from Garfield. I was laughing too hard to inform her Excuse me is the correct thing to say.

So although most days I feel like I am not sure what I am doing other than making ham and cheese sandwiches, trying to entertain (and educate I think) children who switch gears every five minutes, correcting behavior, putting in movies, cleaning up and cleaning up and cleaning up, and getting snacks and making sure no one is in dire harm, I do have moments of pure joy when my little ones suprise me with some silliness that is just normal for them and I get a huge laugh that still makes me smile when I think about them now.

Love my babies even if they do give me gray hairs and drive me crazy from time to time, or maybe lots of time? They are the sweetest and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Walking Accident

So I have a walking accident, his name is Benjamin. We have been at the beach all week long and we are playing on the beach and low and behold Ben is driving his truck gets stuck and flys face first into the sand inadvertently hitting his nose on his truck resulting in a bloody (very bloody) nose and the beginnings of a black eye. How does a kid get hurt on soft sand? I really can't even explain what happened and I saw it first hand, if there is a way to get hurt, he will find it. I can only imagine what my future doctor's visits and surely hospital visits will look like. I really can't even explain how the accidents happen. So for now I am trying to keep my walking accident upright sans scraped knees, bloody noses, any more missing teeth, broken bones, and swollen anything. Thus far I haven't been that successful, but I will press on and keep trying.

Motherhood

When I think about how I walk out motherhood everyday I sometimes find that I am disappointed in myself. There are times when I feel like I have it spot on or that I have a plan that will make it better and then there are other times when I feel like I am failing on all sides. That my boat is taking on water and I can't bail out the water fast enough. I know that every mother has feelings of failure from time to time, but that thought never helps in the moment you feel like a failure.

Nothing momentous has happened that has made me doubt whether or not I am doing a good job, but I have an overall feeling of failing with my kids that is weighing heavy on my mind that I can't seem to shake. I think it is a build up of alot of things. Yelling more than normal, not enough patience in the face of requests that would normally never even faze me. An anxiety producing thought that my daughter is 6 and already experiences deep guilt when she is in trouble. Wondering if I have played a role in making that so. Do I put too much pressure on her because she is older? The answer to that I am afraid is yes. Am I raising good kids?

I have read some great books on parenting "The Most Important Place On Earth", "Scream Free Parenting" to name a couple and their messages speak directly to my heart, to the mom I want to be for my kids and feel like I am failing to do. Have I done irreparable damage to them that can't be undone? I know the answer is no, but sometimes it feels like I have and I am not sure what to do with that thought.

I know the answer in my head, tomorrow is a day to do things differently. To make better choices, no one is perfect and your children love you. You are a good mother Peter would tell me and my children tell me they love me all the time.

All that being said, I think some heart searching and prayer is in order for me tonight. I need some quiet time to think, to take these thoughts captive and choose to be the mother I want to be, the mom I know I can be.

Gross

My little man Ben is a great eater. He will try just about anything, loves just about everything and rarely says no to an unknown food item. He is the type of eater that every mother loves to have, not picky and willing to at the very least give it a try.

Now with this adventurous eating personality there is another side that you may not be aware of and that is the self creation of food dishes.

Ben loves "sauce" better know as ranch, ketchup, or mustard on EVERYTHING. No I am not exaggerating when I say everything, I mean pancakes, eggs, fruit, mac and cheese, hot dogs, vegetables, everything he eats must have a sauce with it on his plate and he really doesn't care which one you choose for him, just a sauce. I hae seen him use yogurt as a sauce, mayonaise on occasion if there isn't anything else.

Recently he has developed a dish called cheez-it soup. Which is cheez-its or goldfish with apple juice poured over the top. (Yes that equates to soggy disinegrating cheez-its in a bowl of cold apple juice.)

Another infamous Ben drink is orange soda and coke mixed together or milk and coke mixed together. (I made him quit the last one with the milk, I was too afraid it would make a reappearance later and I was NOT interested in cleaning it up.)

His latest creation today was baked beans, hot dogs and cantaloupe mixed together. I get the beanie-weenie part, but he lost me at the cantaloupe.

Maybe one day this fascination with mixing foods will end by him being an illustrious chef with a famous restaurant, but for right now I am staying away from his creations. I prefer not to throw up.

Chores

Chores always seem like a good idea. I give the kids chores, they do them, that is less work for me, everyone is happy. No, instead chores require alot of management when the kids are 3 and 5. Making sure they put their stickers on the right day, reminding them of their chores answering questions about how it has to be done, when it has to be done, dealing with crying when they forget and can't get the sticker. I almost would rather just clean the room myself it seems at times.

However, we are soldiering on and will continue with the chores, why, because it teaches character, responsibility, money management and a bunch of other things that are beneficial for kids. And for me it teaches patience when have to explain that brushing your teeth includes not making a giant water/toothpaste mess all over the bathroom, cleaning out under your bed is part of cleaning you room, and just telling Benjamin what to do is not helping to clean the playroom.

So I guess we all learn something that we need to work on.

Lost Toy

Why do they make children's toys that have pieces so small? My son has a pirate set that has the tiniest pieces I have ever seen and it seems to be what he wants to play with all the time. Amazingly the kid has a mind like a steel trap when it comes to how many miniscual swords should be in this set (Yet he can't remember to put his shoes away even though I have said it a thousand times). So inevitably I hear, "I can't find the little sword, I can't find the gold sword!" So I comb through the carpet to find a sword that is a 1/2 inch long so the captain and the matey can have swords, very important.

As for Grace - Barbie, need I say more to anyone with a girl that is over the age of 5. She has a fold out Barbie house that has removable toothbrushes and a tube of toothpaste. Yes, toothbrushes for a barbie (very small).

Obviously who ever created these toys do not have any children otherwise the pirate swords would be fused to the hands of the pirates and the toothbrushes would not come out of the holder. I think in the realm of tortuous toys I would rather have the loud annoying alien gun and the princess toy that only plays 2 songs than the current favorites. Ugh I am off to comb through my rug for the "small sword" they are all small, how they can be smaller than small I don't know , but it must be found, the matey can't be without his sword, why you might ask, "because how will he fight the bad guys, mom his arms don't move for punching?"

We Need That

So it has hit my son full force. What might you ask? Commercials. I used to think of them as innoccous little annoyances that kept me from my show, but I am now aware that are actually meant to torture me through these words, " Mommy, I need that, I am going to get that for Christmas." Now we have just encountered this problem recently since my kids have started watching Nick Jr. versus Disney (who only has commercials about other Disney shows). My son has come to a full awareness that the commercials that come on in between Nick Jr. shows are for random crap - - I mean children's toys that he now needs. Not wants, but needs. So currently on his list are Bendaroos, some foaming bubble machine for the bath, various action figures, transformers, games, and the like. And since Christmas just passed, where he got a myriad of toys he now associates all gift giving with Christmas. So I say hello to the hell of commercialization and my sons obsession with owning every single thing that crosses the tv screen including non toys at times.

Whining

Whining . . . just the word is annoying. Peter and I have been trying to teach the kids (mainly Ben) to just use his words to ask for what he wants instead of whining about everything and every little thing requiring tears. Tonight was a small success followed by a reverting back to whining. I guess I am just being paid back for all of my whining as a kid and as a teen. In fact, when I was talking to Ben tonight I was reminded of working at Winn Dixie as a teenager. Why you might ask . . . well that is were I met my lovely husband of ten years. I was a cashier, he was the front end manager (however, he was not my manager, he was the manager over the baggers really, although I am sure he would disagree, this is the truth.) Peter used to say that I was a whiner with a poor work ethic (very suave right??) and one day presented me with a new name badge that instead of saying my name said "Whiner." What about my whining was so attractive, I don't know but it must have worked, because here we are.
Nonethless, we are tackling the whining. If you here of a woman who chose to go voluntarily deaf, it may be me. Am I whining right now about whining????

My Benny

Benjamin is the sweetest little boy ever, here are a few of his latest.

He has become quite the Daddy's boy recently. Peter took him yesterday to get his hair cut (he looks so adorable), and that night when he prayed before bed, he prayed thank you that Daddy took him to get his haircut in the red car and that daddy was his "fabrit." I know, how adorable.

A couple of days ago, he was bouncing off the walls and I asked him why he was so happy? And his response was because he lubbed his mommy and daddy.

You have to love the innocent, pure heart of a little boy who loves his family! And whose mommy loves him lots and lots.

The End . . . of Babies

So the end of school is near for my little princess. I can't believe it is already May. She is going to be leaving preschool and next year will be in kindergarten and I can't believe it. Sometimes I look at her and I have to do a double take because I am expecting someone smaller more baby like and not the big girl that is in front of me.
In fact, the other day I went to the park with a friend and I was looking around for Grace and couldn't find her, I started to get nervous, when my girlfriend said, there she is right there under the slide, and I looked quickly and said that it wasn't her . . . that little girl was too big to be mine, but low and behold it was.
She does her dance recital next week, and her graduation two weeks following. I am going to try not to cry when my baby walks in her little cap, but I am sure I will. I have recently been so taken with how big my little ones have gotten, they are growing so fast right before my eyes.
My Benjamin, my little man is growing like a weed, talking like crazy, and moving non stop. Although they are getting big, my heart sometimes still sees them toddling around in a diaper and a onesies with a juice stained mouth, and cookie on their faces, and I think it might always be that way.

Pictures of the Past

So I was looking for a picture on the computer and as I was going through them, I was reminded of how much my babies have grown. So I had to share a few of my favorites.

Bye Bye Diapers and other little tid bits

Benjamin Joseph Dell is officially potty trained!!! That means bye bye diapers in the Dell household. I am not sad to leave them behind. And I can't tell you how adorable Ben is running around in his little underoo briefs! He is growing up to be such a sweet little boy.

Speaking of sweet boys. Peter and I went to see the play Frost Nixion. I got dressed up (I do not often wear an actual dress, so definitely a big deal) and when I came out of the bathroom in my dress, Ben was sitting on the floor playing with a pile of pencils, he looked up and said, "Pretty dress mama." Yes, he melted my heart, and yes I got a little teary eyed.

The Holidays

So the Christmas holidays have come and gone and they were pretty amazing. The kids loved all their things they got. Grace got her Leapster, some games, and My Little Pony. Ben got Thomas the Train sets, Mickey Mouse Clock, and cars, cars, cars. My parents brought us into the 21st century (as my mom called it) by buying us a flat screen tv, which is pretty awesome.

We as a family (from my mom) got a Wii. I know like everyone in the world already has one, but we got one this year and Grace loves it. She is better at the bowling than I am. It is so funny to watch her get strikes and jump up and down like she just won the state lotto. She also has become a bit of a trash talker when you play with her, which is so funny to listen to. She told Pete (after a strike), "beat that big boy!" And told me, "oh yeah, that's a stripe (which is a strike)!" She's got a competetive streak in her that is for sure. I have a feeling the Wii is going to afford some good sportsmanship lessons, and that you aren't always the best everytime, which she hasn't experienced too much seeing her usual competition is her 2 year old brother. So unless we are talking about who eats more (Ben), she is usually "the best" right now.

My dad got the kids little ipod shuffles, which they love, it is hilarious to watch them walk around with their head phones "singing." It is amazing how techno savvy kids are these days. I got a cassette player when I was 7 or 8, now my babies have ipod shuffles at 4 and 2.

Looking forward to New Year's and then the year is off and running again. Soon to say hello to 2009!

Cleaning Out

So I am cleaning out the toy room to make room for the new Christmas toys that are going to be coming from Santa and grandparents. My question is how in the world do you decide what to get rid of? I mean my kids seem to play with everything that is not a toy. For example, today I have confiscated (from Ben) a can of hairspray, dishwasher packets, Sissy's dinner plate (which he was using as a hat), makeup, pens, and I am sure other stuff I just can't remember. From Grace I have gotten index cards (all scribbled on and wadded up), mommy's business cards, and makeup. Granted they do play with alot of their toys, I mean they aren't a total waste, but sometimes I wonder? I swear they get the greatest joy out of the weirdest things.

Bennyisms

Okay for posterity I have to write about some of my favorite Bennyism's.

Donuts: When ever I say we are going to church his response is "Donuts?", but the best part is how he says it, "Doo-nuts?"

McDonald's: As any kid does, Ben loves McD's. When I asked him, "What are you going to get at McDonald's?" Grace said cheeseburger, Ben's response was, "Daddy's Coke." Ahhh, another coca-cola addict on my hands I fear.

Mickey Mouse: Ben refers to Mickey Mouse as "Hot Dog." Why you may ask, because the song on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse starts out as hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog, and somewhere in the process that song translated into Mickey's name. Don't ask me how, because I really don't have a clue.

Castle Party: Both of my kids LOVE Disney, and I must admit, so do I. They both adore the castle stage show called Dream along with Mickey. Right at the beginning they sing a song called "Castle Party." Grace can sing a good part of it, but Ben doesn't have all the words down quite like she does so you only get every seventh word or so, and he throws in some repeat phrases. He does have the tune down though. My favorite part of the song is how he says castle party, it comes out as, "cashew potty."

"Me": Whenever we ask a question like, "Who wants a cookie?" Ben now raises his hand and shouts, "Meee!"

Princess: Ben loves the princesses, partly because Grace does and partly I think he likes giving them his coy little smile that just melts your heart. The princesses were the only characters at Disney that little booger would take a picture with! He also likes the princess songs, and he can sing the Sleeping Beauty song, "I Know You", at least in part and it is so adorable.

Dancing: Ben has quite a little groove and loves music. Give him a good beat and he likes to shake it. He has his little signature move he does that is a cross between the chicken dance with the arm flapping and some type of little bouncing up and down move while turning around in a circle. It is quite a sight to see.

Just writing these makes me smile. He is such a unique little boy and I love him with all my heart. He's my little man!

The Kids

So Grace is on vacation for Thanksgiving all of this week. Sounds great right?! Well, I have come to believe that my children (when together) conspire with each other to make the biggest mess humanly possible, find as many things as they can to get into (and subsequently tear up), and use Mooommmmy! (yes they drag it out like that, and if you are a mom, you can literally hear it in your head right now can't you!) at least every other word.

I have come to this conclusion of the team approach after much research (not!, like I have time for that, I don't even get to go to the bathroom on my own half the time.) Grace and Ben alone are a joy to be around, you can play with them, you can get work done, have a conversation, essentially it is quiet and calm. That is my life 5 mornings a week while Grace is at preschool, I have Ben and it is wonderful and easy. Then they get together and for the first few hours they play with each other and have a great time making a giant mess as mentioned above, I rarely have to intervene, but about 5 o' clock, BOOM!, orange juice and toothpaste, they can't stand to be with each other, all they do is annoy each other and we move into the Moooommmmy! stage. Well with Grace being home in the morning, it brings on the latter even sooner, in essence making it last longer and I think I might just lose my mind sometimes. I mean really, how many times can you be the referee on who had the Thomas the Train toothbrush that plays music first, my count today on that issue 6 times.

Granted my kids love playing with each other, they can be soooo sweet with each other, (I mean Grace even calls him sweetheart), but I think when the schedule is changed or interupted for extended vacations like Thanksgiving and oh boy, Christmas, I don't think they know what to do with themselves and all that extra time together.

Well, they are playing like angels right now (making a mess of the playroom that I just cleaned), so I am off to folding laundry before the madness ensues, and trust me it will.

Fruits

I have started reading Tender Mercy for a Mother's Soul. If you are a mother and you haven't read it, it is a must read. I am only a few pages in and I am already going back to re-read the beginning again because it so speaks to my soul. She talks about how her children are God's instruments to grow her in the fruits of the spirit. She gives examples of how God is doing that and I thought I would do the same for my own children, because it reminded me that sometimes things I think of as inconveniences might be opportunities that God is using in my life to grow me through my little ones.

Love: I definitely have learned what it means to love someone for who they are not what they can do for you, what position they are in society, how funny they are, what they look like, or even how good of a person they are. Love is a warm snuggly little body laying next to you and whispering I love you when you look a mess with morning breath. Love is hearing them run to the door calling your name when you come home. Love is being the only one who can soothe a hurt knee or spirit. Love is having your heart burst with pride when they share their toy with a friend or remember to throw away their juice box container in the trash instead of on the floor. Love is the smile that comes when you let them have a sip (or gulp) of your coke. Love is wanting to be with your children more than having a pristine home. Love is deep, heartfelt and soulful.

Joy: Joy now takes so much less than it used to. I can remember the heart brimming joy when both of my children said I love you with out me saying it first. Just knowing that they felt that in that morning and wanted to say it was a joyful moment not be forgotten. Joy is listening to my kids laughing their heads off together in their carseats for a reason that is beyond me all together. Joy is letting them help bake cupcakes just so they can eat the batter off of spoons and eat more frosting than they put on the cakes. Joy is watching my daughter dance in her recital or hearing my son say watch me as he does his latest dance move. Joy is soap smelling, frizzy headed toddlers snuggled up watching a movie we have all seen a thousand times, but still being totally engrossed in it.

Peace: Peace used to be about quiet. Peace is now more of a state of being. It is being peaceful when the chaos of everyday life ensues, knowing it is part of what being a mom is about.

Patience: I don't ever think that I would have realized the amount of patience that would be required when being a parent. Patience is letting Grace try on 3 different outfits before she chooses one. Patience is not hurrying even when you are late (because toddlers do not understand hurry). Patience is holding the treat bowl for 5 minutes while they root around to find the perfect treat. Patience is saying the same thing 10 times without yelling at them because little ones are still learning what it means to listen . . . and then remember. Patience is getting up 10 times a night with a newborn or a sick child.

Kindness: I always thought that I was a kind person, but until I had children I did not understand the full scope of kindness in its truest sense. The sense that looks out for others, that desires better for others than for yourself. It is what allows you to go without and make sure your kids have all they need . . . and sometimes want. Kindness is pushing your kids on the swing for 1/2 an hour when you have tons of laundry to do or just need to rest.

Goodness: Goodness is a hard one to define. Goodness is a heart thing. Goodness is having a heart that matches what God's desires for your children are and doing them, even if it is hard. It is teaching instead of punishing and providing a home where God is glorified.

Faithfulness: My children trust me and rely on me, they have faith in me that I am going to do what is best for them. That I am following God's desires for them. Faithfulness that I love them no matter what they do or say. Faithfulness is a trust beyond words, undefinable.

Gentleness: Gentleness cares about scraped knees about kissing them and putting on cream. It helps them hop around the house on one foot because their boo boo hurts that bad. Gentleness lets your kids fall asleep in your bed because they are scared their room. Gentleness is letting your little girl do your makeup and your hair and then say it is beautiful and how much you love it even though it will take you an hour to wash it all off and comb out the knots.

Self-control: Self control is an internal waiting. It is letting your son help you with the laundry or the dishes when it would be faster to just do it yourself. Self control is letting your kids watch the same show over and over and over and watching it with them. Self control is slowing down so your kids don't have to catch up. Self control is taking a second trip around the block even though you are hot and want to go inside. Self control is putting your son back in bed for the 10th time without yelling when you have had a busy day and just want to rest.

Being a mom is amazing. God continues to help me grow and learn from them everyday and I hope that never stops. He is using these little people called Grace and Ben to shape parts of my heart and soul to be better each day. Who knew people so little could have such a big impact.

Ghetto and Fabulous

So I have admit, I have always considered myself a little on the ghetto side at times, but aren't we all. For example, I have a bad habit of taking things off the shelf, then finding something comprable at a better price on some other aisle and I will leave my original purchase where ever I am in the store. Ham comes to mind. I once had the lady slice me some ham at the deli counter and then when I got the prepackaged meat section they had buy one get one free on Hillshire Farms ham, so I just left my deli ham there in the case and took the buy one get one ham instead Hey don't judge me, at least I left it in a cooler area instead of on a shelf, although I have done that before too.

And I won't even go into the tarp incident that I had today, let's just say it involves my neighbor's yard and giant, plastic, blue, walmart tarp with neon orange stakes attached to it, need I say more.

I also find that I don't always wear shoes to drive and pick up Grace from preschool. God forbid they ever need me to get out of the van for some reason, the ghettoness of it all will be too much . . . I don't even want to think about it, I may have to come up with some excuse like my butt is glued to the seat?!? I also don't wear shoes when I take the kids outside. My across the street neighbor is out there regularly and she and her daughter wear shoes, as well as my next door neighbor and her boys. I have on occasion looked around and realized my kids and I are not wearing shoes and Ben is regularly in just a tshirt and diaper (all he needs is bottle full of coke to complete the look). Grace is hair all a mess and wearing her latest wardrobe creation (and I use the word creation loosely) and think uhhh, wow I'm so ghetto and I am wearing off on my kids too.

So here I am in all my ghetto fabulousness raising little prodigies of shoeless Riverview existence with my dear husband (who I think lacks the ability to be ghetto in any way) and loves us all the same. Amen for a hubby who can look past permanently redneck dirty feet, a stained shirt and sticky faced kids and think wow I have the best family in the world.

Benny, My Little Man

Benny, my little man is such a lover. He is always quick with a hug and kiss for anyone and anything. In fact, he just hugged and kissed his juice and his bike while I was writing this. Benjamin can be irritable and stubborn in one moment and hugging you in the next. His personality is magnetic, he gets more waves and "aww, he's so cute" from cashiers and strangers than any kid I know. He is gentle and sweet, yet rough and tumble at times too.

Boys are so different from girls and I am daily confused by him, by his moods, his desires, his wants. He can eat 4 packs of fruit snacks in a row and still want more. He loves Coke and declares himself a "Daddy's boy." He is literally a snacking machine. He can eat a meal and still want to walk around with a bag of cereal to munch on. I found or should I say heard him once after we moved him to a toddler bed at 2 o'clock in the morning sitting in the playroom with a bag of cereal eating. He loves to play hide and seek, but hides int he same place every time. He is scared of the dark, and currently his room too. He will sleep through the night only if he is in Mommy and Daddy's bed. He loves his sissy, but also loves to irritate the dickens out of her any chance he gets.

When I think about his future, I know that God has something great for him and I pray God's favor and blessing on his life. That he give him a sweet spirit of compassion for others and an abundance of giftings that he uses to glorify God. That he surround him with Godly friends and build within him integrity and strength. That he bless him with intelligence and the ability to be an influence in his generation. I thank God for this little boy that has stolen my heart, my little man, no matter how old he is.