Preschool Profanity

If you are a parent of preschoolers or toddlers you know what preschool profanity is. Is it the four letter words that we grown ups are so familiar with? Nope, I am talking about those very interesting threats and name calling that can only come from a 3-6 year old's mouth.

For example, my son looked right at his sister and called (or should I say yelled) with all the fury his 3 year old little body could muster, "Diaper Butt."

Or how about the ultimate preschool profanity, the king of all the "four letter words", screamed "Fine then, I'm not your friend!" which garners the response, "Fine, you're not my friend!" The ultimate insult.

They are like those Orbit's gum commercials, the ones where they curse by calling each other names like "lint licker." They are so funny when they try to be mad. Sometimes when I watch how they act stomping around, getting all huffy I think how I sometimes feel that way on the inside and unfortunately I can't stomp around and throw a hissy fit even if I wanted too. No I'm a respectable 30 year old mom who sets an example for her kids, but I think the next time some cashier with a bad attitude crosses my path I might just pull "diaper butt" out and lay it on her, see how she likes that!

So don't cross me I might just have to tell you that you're not my friend if you don't watch out.

Milk

Can someone explain to me where all the milk goes in my house? I bought two gallons of milk, a half gallon of chocolate milk, and my neighbor gave me a gallon milk because they were going out of town and all I have left is a 1/2 gallon of 1% left? I swear someone is drinking milk in their sleep!

Is it even healthy to drink that much milk?

Cleaning and Cleaning and Cleaning

Today I had to deal with a child sobbing because of a toilet. Strange right?! Let me expound on how a toilet can cause red face alligator tears. Today I had the kids help clean up the house that literally looked like a tornado hit it. Normally I only make them clean their rooms and the playroom, but since they had taken it upon themselves to drag their stuff (mess) around the entire house, I had them help with all the rooms.

So they cleaned spills and marks off the floor, vacuumed the rug, cleaned their rooms, the playroom and then I essentially ordered them around to clean other things.

So the big moment: I tell Benjamin to go get a wipe and clean up the toilet - Grace obviously thinks that sounds like something she would like to do, so she rushes and yells, "I'll do it!" Ben runs after her and says "No Mom said me!" At this point they are literally arguing over who is going to wipe down the toilet. I go back to settle the argument and Ben is on his bed bawling, red faced with huge tears. So to settle the argument and quell the tears, I promise Grace she can vacuum and tell Ben he can do the toilet. This makes everyone happy (including me) and the tears cease. All is right with the world again, Ben gets to clean the toilet and Grace gets to vacuum - isn't life grand.

When we are done, Grace informs me that she and Ben did all my job and I hardly did anything (yeah right). Now she has become the mess nazi getting onto anyone that leaves a mess anywhere in the house. Maybe I will make them help with the house everytime, the house has been clean for 2 full hours and the kids are "exhausted of cleaning" and watching t.v. Life is good and my house is clean. What more could I ask for? Uhhh . . . well maybe my husband home, a million dollars, the ability to transport myself like on Star Trek or a private plane, and a bikini body again? That's not too much right? I guess I will settle for a clean house and exhausted children.

Comedians

So being a mom is tough sometimes, but at other times it is probably the funniest place on earth to be. The innocence of a child, unaware of social norms and proper etiquette can create some of the funniest moments ever.

Case and point, today my dad was playing the board game "Trouble" (ironic right) with the kids. About 15 minutes into the game my son decides to express his feelings about the game . . . in song. So he begins to sing, "This is booorrriiinnnggg." Then he proceeds to pull his playing pieces off the board and try and stick them on his fingers - In other words, I am so done with this game.

Or

I go to check on Ben and he is in his room dancing around singing, "Zoo Pals, the lion says roar, zoo pals, the cow says moo, zoo pals the dog says ruff." And on and on it went - Zoo pals for those of you that don't know are paper plates in the shape of animals. Ben's take on them, "They are a must have thing mom." (His words)

Or

I see Grace my sweet princess, girly girl eating a snack and chugging down a juice box that then results in a burp. To which her reply is, (rubbing her belly) "That's a sign that the tank is full." She later tells me this is from Garfield. I was laughing too hard to inform her Excuse me is the correct thing to say.

So although most days I feel like I am not sure what I am doing other than making ham and cheese sandwiches, trying to entertain (and educate I think) children who switch gears every five minutes, correcting behavior, putting in movies, cleaning up and cleaning up and cleaning up, and getting snacks and making sure no one is in dire harm, I do have moments of pure joy when my little ones suprise me with some silliness that is just normal for them and I get a huge laugh that still makes me smile when I think about them now.

Love my babies even if they do give me gray hairs and drive me crazy from time to time, or maybe lots of time? They are the sweetest and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Walking Accident

So I have a walking accident, his name is Benjamin. We have been at the beach all week long and we are playing on the beach and low and behold Ben is driving his truck gets stuck and flys face first into the sand inadvertently hitting his nose on his truck resulting in a bloody (very bloody) nose and the beginnings of a black eye. How does a kid get hurt on soft sand? I really can't even explain what happened and I saw it first hand, if there is a way to get hurt, he will find it. I can only imagine what my future doctor's visits and surely hospital visits will look like. I really can't even explain how the accidents happen. So for now I am trying to keep my walking accident upright sans scraped knees, bloody noses, any more missing teeth, broken bones, and swollen anything. Thus far I haven't been that successful, but I will press on and keep trying.

Motherhood

When I think about how I walk out motherhood everyday I sometimes find that I am disappointed in myself. There are times when I feel like I have it spot on or that I have a plan that will make it better and then there are other times when I feel like I am failing on all sides. That my boat is taking on water and I can't bail out the water fast enough. I know that every mother has feelings of failure from time to time, but that thought never helps in the moment you feel like a failure.

Nothing momentous has happened that has made me doubt whether or not I am doing a good job, but I have an overall feeling of failing with my kids that is weighing heavy on my mind that I can't seem to shake. I think it is a build up of alot of things. Yelling more than normal, not enough patience in the face of requests that would normally never even faze me. An anxiety producing thought that my daughter is 6 and already experiences deep guilt when she is in trouble. Wondering if I have played a role in making that so. Do I put too much pressure on her because she is older? The answer to that I am afraid is yes. Am I raising good kids?

I have read some great books on parenting "The Most Important Place On Earth", "Scream Free Parenting" to name a couple and their messages speak directly to my heart, to the mom I want to be for my kids and feel like I am failing to do. Have I done irreparable damage to them that can't be undone? I know the answer is no, but sometimes it feels like I have and I am not sure what to do with that thought.

I know the answer in my head, tomorrow is a day to do things differently. To make better choices, no one is perfect and your children love you. You are a good mother Peter would tell me and my children tell me they love me all the time.

All that being said, I think some heart searching and prayer is in order for me tonight. I need some quiet time to think, to take these thoughts captive and choose to be the mother I want to be, the mom I know I can be.

My Face

So I have the hugest cold sore known to man on my face thanks to some Abreva. How might you ask does medicine that is supposed to take it away make it huge, let me expound on this ridiculous medicine.

It begins with the tingle and I know that a cold sore is coming on so I decide to break down and buy some Abreva. Abreva is $16 a tube which is a ridiculous amount to pay but I am hoping it will live up to all the hype and shorten the lifespan and heal this sucker quickly, I mean how could they charge $16 if it doesn't work, wouldn't someone have blown the top off of Abreva Inc. if they were just a total sham?

So I buy it and do what it says rub it in 5 times a day (even setting my alarm for 3am as to not miss a dose), it says it is fine to get it on your healthy skin around the cold sore it won't affect it at all just make sure it is rubbed in all the way. When I wake up I have the hugest coldsore I have ever seen and my whole lip seems to be swollen. Why is this thing so huge, it wasn't like this yesterday? My dad sees it and when I tell him I used Abreva he says he has also fallen prey to the scam called Abreva and it simply spread more cold sores around the one he had. At that point I realize that even though it says that it is safe for healthy skin and the cold sore, it is a fallacy, yeah it won't hurt your skin but what it does do is take the virus from the local it is and spread it as big as the circle you rub in. Hence the cold sore on my lip that is the size of a freaking nickel. It is awful as is all cold sores. So my recomendation stay away from Abreva, just leave it alone, there is nothing that works to shorten the time that hideous thing is going to be there, you can't shorten it, but it can make it longer by messing with it.

Like everyone always says, if it is too good to be true, it is. Unfortunately it didn't follow the adage you get what you pay for, which would have been my preference.

School Supplies

So I started to get ready for school, you know uniforms, school supplies all the necessities. I am currently in for $300 for uniforms - why such hideous clothes made of awful fabrics are so expensive I am not sure. But then I looked at the at the school supply list they just sent out. Between the two of them I have to buy 6 boxes of crayons. Can someone explain why Grace needs 4 boxes of 24 count crayons? Last year the list required her to bring in two boxes of crayons and when the school year ended I got one box of crayons back unopened.

Then I got to Ben's list. For him I have to send in regular school supplies, glue, crayons, markers and then at the bottom for the lunchroom for the "resource room" it says he also needs to send in paper towels, napkins, cardstock, baby wipes, clorox wipes, tissues and cups. So normally I wouldn't think anything about sending in what they ask. However, last year I got a note home saying that I needed to make sure I was sending a napkin in Grace's lunch because the napkins in the lunchroom were only for those that buy lunch. I wonder if these are the same napkins I am sending in at the beginning of the year?

What isn't on Ben's list - pencils and erasers?

School supply lists are an enigma. I just buy it and send it in, I bet if you asked the teachers they couldn't explain it either.

Mini Fashionista

I oficially have a mini fashionista on my hands. Grace will be 6 in a couple of weeks and I had briefly talked to her about going school shopping for uniforms while in Florida because they are easier to find than in Oklahoma. So the first thing that she asks is "what about school shoes?" I tell her we can look for those too. Then she says the magic words. . . Mom I'm going to be 6 soon and I really NEED a pair of twinkle toe sketchers. EVERYBODY in my class has them. Do you think I can get them?

How can a 5 year old NEED a pair of shoes? How does EVERYBODY have them? I thought that I had at least 5 more years before we got to the everybody has them and I need them too conversation.

So I give in, I tell her we can go look at them and see if she likes them and if they fit well. So we look, I see $40 for a pair of kids shoes and I almost gag. Now my daughter is a real girly girl, not a tennis shoe wearing type. She lives in "high heeled sandals" and "sparkly shoes" most of the time. I think she has worn her tennis shoes she has now maybe a dozen times in the whole year so I think she will try them on and realize they are TENNIS SHOES and that she will only get one pair (She is allotted $40 for school shoes) and then say no thanks I'd rather have 4 different pairs from target.

I was wrong, she tries on the brightly colored diamond studded, light up twinkle toes and is in love. Now the only size we can find is a 10 and they fit just right and I would rather get a 1/2 size bigger so she can wear them longer since they are so freaking expensive for a kids shoe (I am more of a 9.99 from target kind of shopper.) I tell her she can spend her $40 for school shoes however she wants and that we will get the 10's and look at other places for a 10 1/2. She agrees and is ear to ear smiles.

So tonight we are saying our prayers and what does Grace pray for . . . "please help me find a 10 1/2 twinkle toes."

I have a fashionista - a jewelry wearing, accessory loving, twinkle toes, almost 6 year old fashionista, Lord help me.

Sunshine and Swimming

So we are back in the Sunshine State for a month visiting the grandparents, and for my kids that means swimming - all the time. Now we have pools on post back in Oklahoma, but for some reason when we get here they want to swim all the time.

Don't get me wrong I love a good swim from time to time, but not as much as my kids and not as long. If you have ever spent any time with me you know I have a certain problem with extended periods of time in water, swimming, baths, doing dishes by hand. I cannot stand when my hands get pruny. I don't like touching anything and I don't like other people touching me when their hands are all pruny.

Weird, I know, but I really can't stand it, so all the swimming poses a problem. I don't like not getting in the water because I worry about their safety and it is hot jsut sitting in the sun, but I also don't want to get in because the kids like to stay for HOURS. Hours = Pruny hands and feet.

Inevitably I will get in and swim, get all pruny, and then get out. Now up until this point no one has needed anything from me, but 10 seconds after getting out with my pruny hands I am bombarded with requests, I need to go to the bathroom and I can't get the door open, I can't get my swimsuit off, I can't get my swimsuit back on, my goggles aren't right, I got something in my eye, I bumped my head, my hair is falling out, I want my hair out, I want my hair back up, and the list goes on. All these things require me to touch stuff and I'm pruny and I just hate it.

So my conclusion, there is no good solution, I will just have to grin and bear it as we literally become waterlogged . . . and pruny.