What Not To Say

So I was at a store the other day speaking to a woman in line who was commenting on how adorable my kids are (and yes they are ridiculously cute and well behaved when they want to be) and through conversation I mentioned that Peter was overseas and her response was . . . let's just say not the best (it's number one on my list). So it got me thinking of all the things that people say to me that I would rather not hear, so here is my list of the most ridiculous and irritating things I have heard in the last 11 months.

1. Aren't you afraid he isn't going to make it home?
Uhhh, yes I am! Every night I go to bed alone, each recital I attend without him, every bag of trash I have to take out because he isn't here reminds me of the fact he is in danger and I had just managed to forget about it for about 2 seconds, but thanks for reminding me again.

2. How much longer do you have?
I know this is a talking point, but really I try NOT to focus on how much longer I "have left." Ever hear the saying a watched pot never boils? The same concept applies. If I obsess about how long he has been gone and how many days are left it only makes it feel like time is inching by at a snail's pace, so please don't make me hash it out I try REALLY hard not to look at the calendar every day and calculate how many days, hours and minutes there are before he returns.

3. How long has he been gone?
Again like number 2. I really don't want to dwell on the fact that he has been gone for 10 months has missed our anniversary, 3 birthdays, graduation, first day of school, valentine's day and Christmas and all that is in between.

4. I just don't know how you do it!
I know you are trying to pay me a compliment with this statement, but really I am just one of hundreds of thousands of military wives across the country doing the same thing. We are all asked to do extraordinary things in our lives that some would deem impossible, but in truth put in the same situation you would figure out how to cope just like each wife does.

5. So do you miss him?
Duhh! Yes I miss him! What kind of question is that? If I didn't miss him I am thinking we have some serious issues. I miss him every time I get up and there is no little note to tell me how much he loves me, no one calls during the day to see how I'm doing, no one helps clean up after dinner, I am the only person who sleeps in my bed and no one asks how my day was. Yes a resounding yes I miss everything about him.

6. You only have 2 months left - that's not that long at all, it is right around the corner.
Uhhh, yeah sure two months isn't that long but the eleven months he has been gone have been. Please don't try and cheer me up by saying 2 months isn't that long. Trust me I feel like he has been gone for eleven months and the two months left still feel like an eternity to me and my kids.

Having a deployed soldier is tough. I miss him every day and our kiddos serve just as hard as he and I do missing their daddy and figuring out how to cope without a daddy around except through the computer. We are making it through one day at a time and I can't wait to have him home!

Changes

So it has been forever since I have been on this blog. Life has changed quite a bit. Peter is still deployed, yes I know it seems like he should be home - trust me I know, but it isn't too far off. He came home for R and R what seems like forever ago and we went to Disney (so much fun), I took a job teaching kindergarten and I lost 20 pounds. Grace has grown, Ben has grown and school is coming to a close in just one short month believe it or not. The Dell's are still here, we are just monumentally busy all the time it seems. But we are still alive and well in Lawton and Peter overseas. Have I said in the last 5 minutes how much I miss my husband and can't WAIT for him to come home?

Tears

So it finally happened. My go with the flow, everything is alright, I can pretty much go along with anything little man cried over missing his Daddy today. I hear him crying back in the playroom and he comes out and crawls up in my lap and says, "I miss daddy. I want to show him all my moves and he isn't here. I just miss him." Then he snuggled his head in my chest and cried. Break my heart into a million pieces please. We talked about Daddy and how they were going to have a boy's night at El Chico when he gets back and then he felt better. I have to say seeing tears in your babies eyes is one of the hardest parts of deployment. Although I am always amazed at how resilient kids are, 5 minutes after I let him go he was back to wreaking havoc on everything in his path as "The Sheriff" courtesy of his treasure chest pick from school today. Love my little man and the tenderness he showed today. Grace and Ben are just too sweet for words - they are amaziningly special in more ways than I can count.

The Little Things

You know, as I go through my day I am, due to the absence of my husband, constantly assaulted by the little things in life that I miss every day and those that I have taken for granted.

I miss having someone tell me they love my cooking and wonder why we ever go out to eat.

I miss someone saying in their southern drawl, "Hey Baby, I'm home."

I miss seeing big clunky Army boots and a uniform somewhere in our bedroom.

I miss having someone who gets my humor (3 and5 year olds don't).

I miss having someone get onto me about the van being on 0 miles because they are concerned with my safety.

I miss the fun of a 10 oclock run to the Orange Leaf Ice Cream Place

I miss someone to tell me that I am beautiful when I feel fat and ugly.

I miss someone to listen to me gripe about a meeting or an interaction that I have.

I miss cleaning up the bathroom of shaving cream and toothpaste and gel before I can brush my own teeth.

I miss the comfort of knowing that if I have a flat tire I have someone to call.

I miss having someone want to hold me, instead of someone wanting me to hold them.

I miss playing sequence and hand and foot at night.

I miss having someone to sit with at church.

I miss not having any of his laundry to fold.

I could go on forever it seems like, there are so many ways that I miss him. So for everyone else out there. Take the time today to appreciate the little things about the one you love. Even the things you don't think you appreciate like cleaning up after them, laundry, and the like. Because even though they seem like hassles now, if they were absent from your life, you would miss them. I know I do.

2am Is Not My Friend

So I have yet to get to bed before 2am since Peter left. It is just impossible to unwind at night without him around it seems. I didn't realize what calm he brought until he wasn't here. So instead I find it impossible to shut down the endless list of things that need to get done, or what tomorrow holds, etc. Which in turns makes me tired in the morning making me not want to do anything on my list. It is a vicious cycle.

It is totally weird to watch movies by myself, to crawl into an empty bed, okay maybe not empty, I have been letting the kids sleep in our bed temporarily. But the house just isn't the same without Peter, which is the way it should be I guess. An integral part of our house is gone and without him there is a hole.

Ican't wait to spend lots of money on plane tickets to Germany when he comes home next year. But until then, we make the most of some really great mommy and kids time!

Missing My Soldier

So he's gone, he left today to meet up with his unit for a year long deployment. Surprisingly, the kids handled it really well. Grace laughed more than she cried, and well Ben, is Ben and just goes with the flow. I think we had talked about it with Grace so much that she was ready. We also opted not to take him to the airport, but instead said goodbye at home. I think that helped too.
In all honesty, I think I took it harder than anyone else. I really thought I would be able to "man up" and be the strong one for the kids, but instead they were the ones who took it in stride. I don't think I have cried so much in a really long time.
I still find myself doing little things out of habit that remind me that he isn't coming home for a while, like I took out four plates for dinner tonight until I realized there were only three of us. When I cleaned the bathroom I put all of Peter's toiletries in the corner of the counter so he can get ready in the morning until I realized he won't be getting ready in the morning at home for a long while. It's almost as if my mind doesn't want to make the shift that he's really gone for a year.
I spent most of today taking care of a sick little boy and missing my husband. Tomorrow is a new day and its time to make the most of this year, to take the opportunity to grow and improve areas of my life. However, it doesn't change the fact that his pillow still smells like him and I will continue to miss his presence until he returns home.