Babies??

Pregnant . . . . ???  Nope, I am sitting here tonight avoiding doing my parent conferences forms contemplating my conferences forms and was drawn into looking at old family photos.  As I flipped through them on the computer I was shocked. The first thought that came to my mind was, "Where did my babies go?" I got teary eyed looking at photos of my sweet baby girl striking a pose, wearing a tiara and ponytail on Easter just because she can, singing into a kalidescope, and just being the sweetest thing on the planet. 

And my baby boy being the master water slider, wearing glasses,
playing with phones (his obsession when he was little), and being the cutest thing ever. 

I thought to myself, the chubby faces are recognizable, they spark memories of when those pictured were captured, but my babies . . . are gone.  Today I have a budding actress and singer who loves school, her teacher, learning, being dramatic, her friends, writing stories, being on the computer, being silly, fashionable, and texting on her ipad.  Today my son is always moving (well I guess that hasn't changed much), building lego structures, reading, studying, working on endangered animal projects, writing stories, learning how to play chess, and playing sports.  Gone are the days of when holding them was easy and I could carry them to bed without breaking a sweat, diapers, sweet baby smell, and laughter or the silly things toddlers say.  Gone is the wonderment over the simple things like nerf guns and fake phones that sing mickey mouse clubhouse songs. Gone are the days of innocence that Mickey Mouse is a real person and not just a guy in a costume and Tinkerbell really has fairy dust to make you fly.  With that realization came a heaviness and a longing to have them small again.  To cuddle them and chase them around as they toddled instead of walked or ran, to push them on the swing because they didn't know how to do it on their own yet, to see them push around in their flinstone cars because they can't ride bikes yet.

But as I sit here and look around at my surroundings I am struck by the things I see.  A chapter book about believing in fairies, imaginary lego structures that only my boy can decipher what they are, a conversation that made me laugh out loud about school and their friends, Grace's "happy face", Ben literally playing soccer indoors, wanting to be tucked in like a sandwich, mac&cheese, or a chicken taco (its a Dell thing people I can't explain it), my daughter's love of picking out the perfect accessory and the fact that she still sits at her Rapunzel vanity to get ready, my son crawling up next to me and my daughter with her head on my shoulder. 

Maybe my babies aren't as far away as I thought they were . . .

Veteran's Day

Veteran's Day . . . for many this holiday is a day off to have barbeques and spend time with family, for others it is a day to remember their lost love ones, for some a day to celebrate their servicemember, for others a day to think about their servicemember 10,000 miles away in a deployed environment and missing their face and their arms around them.

I have spent Veteran's day in almost all of these fashions.  Prior to joining the military, Veteran's day was the day we had a BBQ with my family and watched television and played games.  We never really had discussion of this holiday and without any military members in our family it wasn't one where we thought of others.

I have spent this day with just my children while my husband was deployed to Afghanistan.  Wondering what he was doing, hoping and praying he was okay and missing him so badly it hurt.  I have sat at church while they asked all military members past and present to stand and cried as my Soldier was asleep in a tent somewhere in the middle of a war zone and wishing that he was right here next to me and sending up a silent prayer for his safety. 

Today I am spending my Veteran's Day celebrating my Soldier.  Loving him and holding him close.  Being proud of the sacrifice he has made and walking tall knowing that his service is part of what continues to allow this nation to be great.  To know that my husband is part of the one percent of people who give back to our country, an amazing place that allows us to have all the freedoms we do.  I am so proud of him and when I think of him in his ACU or his blues I can't help but smile from ear to ear and say, "That's right I am the PROUD wife of an American Soldier. 

Today as you spend time with your family, take a moment if you don't have a Soldier of your own, to say a prayer for all the Soldiers without their families, working day in and day out to ensure the greatness of America and its safety is protected, for all the families left to keep the home fires burning til their Veteran is back, for all the kids who go to sleep each night and pray for their mommy or daddy's safety, for every wife who serves as mom and dad while her Soldier is deployed, and for every family who spends today remembering their veteran who will never return home because he paid the ulitmate sacrifice.

Our nation is great because of these men and women who give tirelessly of themselves to protect our nation and I am proud to call myself the wife of a veteran.

                                                                                      

On a personal note to my veteran:
I love you honey.  I am so proud of you and the man of integrity and character that you are.  I think you are brilliant at your job and the Army (greatest branch Hooah!) is lucky to have you.  You bring a fresh perspective, a keen eye, and exceptional leadership to the table.  I think you are the smartest person I know and I know everybody so that is a totally legit claim.  Your service is to our country is to be commended and celebrated because you are a man who has put on the uniform and chosen to serve his country at great sacrifice, you are a veteran and most importantly MY veteran.  There was a time when I never thought the military would be part of our story, but as we walk out this life in the military I am continually reminded of all the wonderful parts it offers and how much it gives us in the sense of pride, patriotism, and partnership.  I love you with all that I am and today I hope you realize your continued service to this country is part of the fabric of our American history and our story will forever be part of what makes this nation great.  I salute you love, because you deserve it.  My chest swells with pride as I think about being your wife, my American Soldier.  Kisses baby.

 

Peter is 35!!!!!!

Peter Dell is 35 and I just love him to death here's why . . .

1. I love the way you get sleepy eyes at night.

2. You are the peppiest morning person I know . . . and I love it.

3. You always look like a kid in a candy shop when I come have lunch with you.

4. You're stunningly handsome.

5. You're literally the smartest person I know . . . and I know alot of people.

6. I love that we have inside jokes with each other.

7. You are a great dad.

8. I love that you go along with my crazy ideas like marshmallow fights and gak making.

9. Your words of encouragement and affirmation are like gold because I know you actually mean them and you aren't just blow smoke up my you know what.

10. I love sitting in a class with you and making fun of other people.  Shallow I know but totally true.

11. You are a great driver and navigator.  I am not. 

12.  I love that you let me add cake decorator to my "CV."

13.  I love your hugs and how your arms wrap all the way around me and when you are giving me a really great hug you cradle my head in your hand. 

14.  I love giving you a really great kiss after we have been apart . . . because you are a really great kisser.

15. You're an amazing social worker.  I am constantly amazed at how brilliant you are.  When it comes to human behavior I would bet on you every time.

16. You are a great boss.  There I said it! It only took me 15 years.  Was it worth the wait???

17.  You are thoughtful and I cherish the special words you write me.

18. I love that you feel invigorated after showers it totally changes your whole demeanor.  I know I am always getting a happier, soft haired hubby after a shower.

19.  I love that you respect my no touching the pruny fingers after a shower for 30 minutes rule. And the no touching the hands in the shower either!

20. I love that you never hesitate to get EVERYTHING on the birthday list event though I tell you not to.

21. It makes me smile when I look at your phone and there is a page of my sizes, my favorites, and all the nuances of how I like my food ordered.

22. I love that when you go to buy me a gift you "channel your inner Angela."  That cracks me up.

23. I love that where I am weak, you are strong.

24. I love that when common sense never occurs to me, it is the first thing you think about.

25. I love that we talk things out together, things between us, things at work, all of it.  I don't care if our kids say we talk to each other too much.

26. I love that you try to get up and go work out in the morning, but staying cuddled in with me is just too tempting.  Now the alarm . . . I do not love it.

27. Your smile lights up my day.  It is one of the things I love seeing most in the day. 

28. I appreciate your insight and input when I need it.  When I need advice or someone to remind me of the truth in any situation I can count on you to be right there.

29. I love that I always have a shoulder to cry on.  That you stroke my hair and comfort me.  That you let me sit in the hurt for a minute and aren't afraid of tears.

30. I love your sense of humor.  Only you can put me into a fit of laughter that causes a snort.

31.  I love that you have "looks."  I love that your face can say a thousand words before your mouth can even say one.  Now sometimes I don't like what the face says . . .

32.  I think it is crazy you don't understand how incredibly handsome you are and are caught off guard by my . . . perceptive nature about this very fact.

33. I love that you find the most meaning in a card or a note.  When you say its the thought that counts, it really is true.

34. I love that you think you sound like Kenny Rogers or Conway Twitty.

35. But most of all I love you with all my heart, my 35 year old hotty. You are what makes my days brighter and my dreams better.  I love being your wife and partner in this life.

Happy 35th Birthday My Love!!!!

Toys and Swimming

My kiddos love to swim and they love playing with toys, mix the two and you have a match made in heaven . . . most of the time!

Sometimes toys can take a turn and become something altogether not what was intended.  If your a mom, you totally know what I'm talking about, a matchbox car becomes a missile, bracelets become handcuffs, and goggles become x-ray glasses.  A child's imagination can be a whimsical place.

We were recently at a hotel pool and being the sweet, kind parents that we are, Peter and I bought the kids little toys while we were in Walgreens for toiletries.  Grace chose a little pony and DVD combo and Ben in his infinite wisdom says, " I am getting these motorboats (wind up) to race in the pool tomorrow!" I thought, great that will give him something to play with (thinking of the ultimate combination of swimming and toys) and me time to read my book!

So the next morning we trek down to the pool and Ben tries to play with his $5 motorboats.  After about 2 or 3 minutes I witness this:

Yes, that is my little man chucking his boats across the pool and yes his sister is doing the same.  I ask him what in the world he is doing and he explains very matter of factly, as if this is what the boats were made for, "We are having a contest to find out who can throw the boats the farthest!" And then he proceeds to chuck the boat and I watch as it sails 10 feet, hits the water, and the motor pops off.

I don't want to laugh, I want to look at him and ask him, Son, what in the world are you thinking, that is not how the boats are supposed to be used? Why did I spend $5 on boats for you to throw them? Then teach a lesson on respecting your toys and give him the lecture about not getting him any other toys if you can't use these properly along with a timeout! But before my righteous indignation can get the best of me, I see his tongue out, full body throw and huge smile as it sails across the pool and I can't do anything but chuckle.

Then it dawned on me, so what if that isn't how the boats are supposed to be used? They were having a blast, laughing up a storm and having a great time.  Isn't that what toys are supposed to be for? Last time I checked toys were for bringing happiness to the kiddos we bought them for and they seemed to be doing that in a . . . non-traditional way. Now don't get me wrong, if I saw them playing football with their Nintendos I would have to call a no-go on that one, I mean you have to draw a line somewhere right! But in this instance, talking about $5 boats, there wasn't any harm in what they were doing and it was highly entertaining to them and in all honesty, me too.  Plus, when I asked him why he was throwing them he made his case that this was completely the right activity by telling me, "Mom, they don't motor good in the pool and the motors go right back on! Plus this is way more fun!"  How can you argue with the logic of a 5 year old.  No one can morph a boat into a missile better than kids!

Needless to say, they had a blast and Ben won throwing it the farthest the most times, which he was very proud of and let me know that boat throwing was now one of his special talents. My little man and his "special talents" I will add that to the list which currently contains, a handstand, locking locks, and drawing people.

Now whether or not the man trying to swim laps appreciated the boat chucking, I can't really say?

Hours

Today has been an extremely unproductive day.  I am in the midst of making invitations for my parent's vow renewal and since Lawton does not have a scrapbook store I ventured into Wichita Falls (an hour away) to get some fabulous paper only to be told they can't get me anymore of the only paper I like.  Complete defeat.  During this waste of a time trip I was confronted with several things that really irk me.  And since I know you are just dying to know, I made a short list (the only thing I accomplished today):

1. Lack of yielding green lights (already addressed this one)
2. Going into a store that has a play area then getting the stare down from the store clerk when my kid actually chooses to use it.
3. People who are not helpful and don't know how to do their job.
4. People who talk over me.
5. People who ask RETARDED questions when there is a line behind them. (For example:Your done checking out and you begin to leave. Then turn around to ask the cashier, "How long have you been here?" Which then fosters a 10 minute conversation about the store. Who CARES!!!)
6. Only being able to find one shoe.
7. Going through the drive through and having your order screwed up.  I went through the drive through so I didn't have to come inside.
8. Drivers who won't turn right on red.  It's not against the law people and no one is coming - GO!!
9. People who say, "I'm just sayin" Your just sayin what??? What does that mean?
10. Shopping carts with broken wheels.
11. Having to repeat myself over and over and over.
12. When someone jiggles your locked bathroom stall and says anyone in there?  Uhh yep sure am hence the LOCKED door.
13. People who call and then don't leave a message.
14. People who write checks in the express lane.

Unproductive days do not bring out the best in me - Ugh!  However, my daughter is going to make me one of her "mug cakes" and I believe that will make it all better.

The Purse

So, you all know what this is right?!

That's right its a purse! But it is not just any purse this is my purse. Today I was out shopping for things for Ben's end of the year picnic party, and  I noticed I was becoming quite frustrated at every single store when I went to pay and when I went back to the van.  Then it dawned on me.  My frustration was a result of this treacherous place I have now fondly named "the bottomless pit."  My purse is literally busting at the seams.  Have you ever seen those shows for kids where one of the characters can pull ridiculously large things out of some sort of hat.  Well, that's my purse, crap comes out of there that I don't even know how it fits in there or where the hell it came from.  If Let's Make a Deal was still on I would totally rock that show because there are so many weird things in my purse. Oh yes, and ladies, I am a monster at home parties, you know the ones when you have to find items in your purse that begin with certain letters. That's right racking up the tickets, don't hate the player, hate the game! Holla!

So back to my "pit" my day went something like this:

Go to Big Lots, get items, go to pay, search for ten minutes looking for my wallet while my sunglasses are falling off my head, start freaking out that the wallet is actually lost or stolen.  Unload contents onto register (totally embarrassed), find wallet, pay, try to leave parking lot only to repeat above steps at van looking for keys. Curse under my breath at this stupid ass purse!!

Go to Dollar General, get items, go to pay, search for 10 minutes before I get to the register (so as not to be embarrassed again) for my wallet while sunglasses are falling off my head and trying to balance the purse with the items I'm holding while looking.  Get frustrated, unload items onto floor in empty aisle, find wallet (again), go pay, try to leave parking lot, repeat above steps to try to find keys, find keys, hear phone bing with message, search for 10 minutes for phone while getting sweaty cause the air hasn't cooled down yet.  Yell at purse and tell it to stop swallowing my stuff!  Promise myself to get a new purse because this one sucks.

Get smarter than the purse and put the keys, phone and wallet in the side pocket so it doesn't get lost in "the pit."

Go to Dollar Tree, get items, go to pay, search 10 minutes for wallet, can't find it, unload items at register, still can't find it, begin to rummage through all the stuff looking for it, sweat starts to bead on my forehead, begin to freak out, then remember I was smart and put it in the side pocket so it didn't get lost.  Finish loading all my crap back in my purse, pay, stop holding up the line, go to van, remember they are in the side pocket, get in van.  Return to homeostasis after the small freak out session in the Dollar Tree.

Traffic

We were down in Dallas this weekend before Peter left for Japan and I was reminded of something that I so miss having here in Lawton - yielding green lights and U-Turns.  As I sat at the Galleria Circle left turn light for two full lights before I realized that this light was, low and behold a yielding green (thanks to a honk that I might have thought was unneccessary and made a bit of a nasty comment about until I realized the yielding properties of the light - whoops) I realized how much I absolutely love the yielding green light. 

I miss the ability after the turn light has faded to still make a left turn on just a solid green light when the oncoming traffic allows it.  The pure freedom that comes when, as a driver to make the call and pull across all those lanes using my excellent driving abilities and know how as my guide (that might be ridiculously a bit dramatic??)

Now I am sure that there is a study somewhere that says most accidents are a result of driver's making poor choices at yielding green lights and U-Turns and out of safety concern, and being above reproach they decided to ban them all together here, but really come on! Should I have to pay for the faults of other bad drivers?  No I should not!  Therefore I may just institute my own yielding green when I sit at a left turn light with absolutely no oncoming traffic.  The lack of traffic, so quiet you can hear crickets as you wait for your turn to go at one of the most unpopulated intersection in Lawton, I mean really????

 I am protesting the lack of yielding greens and U-Turns because I feel like my rights as a driver are being infringed upon! When I see that no U-Turn sign and I know I have to drive 30 more blocks just to see another one and then finally another 20 blocks to be able to turn around, I can't help but feel like my capabilities to drive safely are being belittled by those signs.  My rights that is what I am worried about and the rights of other drivers!!! Or . . . maybe I am just a bit impatient and need to manage time better to not be running late . . . Nah! It's definitely about driver's rights - I am totally sticking with rights thing, it sounds way better!

Talent Show

I had a proud mom moment today.  Grace auditioned to be in her school talent show. 

Last week she brought home the paper to sign up for tryouts.  I didn't think much about it until she mentioned she was going to tryout for the talent show.  I was somewhat surprised when she said she was going to do one of her dance class dances . . . alone.  Just the thought of getting up in front of a group and dancing sends my heart into arrhythmia so when she said it so matter of factly I said, "Okay" just out of pure shock I think.  She wanted to dance and there wasn't a hiccup in her resolve so we sent in the paper and her music.  She practiced this week (sometimes under duress) in preparation for the audition.

So today was the day, I just couldn't stay away so I went to her school to watch her audition in front of two second grade classes and to show her moral support.  She was nervous and a little shaky before she went up, but once the music started she went right at it and did an amazing performance.  I was so proud of her because she did what most adults are afraid to do . . . how many adults sit idle in their chairs during karaoke because their fear gets the best of them?  She overcame her nervousness and went for it!  She didn't fold under the pressure of anxiety or embarassement.  She pressed on determined to give a great performance and have a good time doing it too.

My hope is that she never loses that drive, that fire to go for what she wants and overcome fears and doubts, to believe in herself, her talents, and her potential.  To seize the moment and be involved in her life and not just let it pass her by.  I spent many of my high school days with my nose in a book studying for classes that I really didn't want to take because I thought high school was all about academics.  What I know now is high school is a time to spread your wings and to be a part of something valuable and timeless.  To be involved in activities that will one day no longer be an option like student government, cheerleading, sports, and interest clubs.  I see her seeking out opportunities to try new things like track meets, talent shows, and school dances and I hope that she continues to do that all the years that she is in school.  I want her to walk with no regrets of missed school experiences, but to walk tall knowing she took advantage of every opportunity she wanted to and enjoyed her school years, because they are years that you can't do over or get back.  They are precious and are memories you will have for a lifetime.

AND . . . my little jellybean did such a fantastic job on her dance she was chosen to be in the talent show!! I am so proud of her, she harnesed all that nervous energy, believed in herself and her abilities and kicked some serious dance butt!

HHG

HHG - What is it you might ask?  If your military you know it stands for House Hold Goods, and you go there when it is time to PCS to another place.  Well, it was time to visit there today since we are off to Japan in just a couple very short months and orders have been processed through. 

So today I set my sights on getting a start on the taxing process of scheduling shipping and storing all of our household goods.  I knew that this one would be tough because Japan is a weight restricted shipment of goods meaning that we are allotted so many pounds for every move and on this one we are only able to take a portion of them.  So what does that look like?  We are allotted 14,500 pounds on any given move, and to Japan . . . ????? We are allotted only 25% of that!!! That's right folks that equates to 3,600 pounds and that's it.  I knew it was going to be low, but good gracious when she gave me the paperwork with the estimates (one room is on average 1000-1500 lbs.) and I started walking around my house I became a bit overwhelmed with the idea of what the heck am I supposed to bring and what do I store? 

As I walked around the house randomly picking up items wondering how much each of them weighed and wondering to myself do I really want to use up one of my precious pounds shipping the wok I have never used, I realized that most of the stuff in my house I will put away for 3 years not to be seen or accessed.  I then had a horrible thought, what if things get mixed up?  What if all the stuff I want to go to storage ends up on my doorstep and all the stuff I want to bring goes to storage? I had a visual of me sitting in Japan with 20 Disney dress up costumes strewn about, knick knacks, an old tv, and no clothes, beds, or linens! 

In all reality I don't think that will happen, but really what do you bring and what do you leave behind, how do you decide? The items we ship will take 2 1/2 months to arrive, I mean if I can live that long without it do I really need it?

So if you see me around fervently writing out lists and asking random people how much they think a twin bed weighs or if you could only bring three things from your house what would it be?  Know that I am not completely off my rocker, just dealing with HHG.

Saying Goodbye

Goodbye. Such a simple word that people use so often. It comes in lots of forms, bye, have a nice day, see you later, touch base with you soon, but no matter the words, they all mean the same thing, someone is leaving.

As an Army spouse I am no stranger to these words and neither is my family. Between deployments, trainings, and just regular duty requirements, we tell each other good bye more times than the average family does. Today is one of those days.

We have had a fantastic four days with Peter here in San Antonio, and as much as I want to stay and be right here when he gets out of class, go to dinner with him each night and sleep cuddled up right next to him, schedules just won’t allow it and we are on the road this evening headed back to Oklahoma. Even though we are still together for the rest of the day, there is a heaviness, an air of sadness that clouds these final activities before we head out.

I have often wondered if goodbyes get easier, if enough times it becomes old hat and doesn’t cause the same feelings. I look around at other Army spouses and they seem to handle each deployment, training, and TDY with such grace. But I have come to a realization, the answer is no. It will not and does not get easier, goodbyes will always be clouded with sadness, heartache, and heaviness. No matter how many times you say goodbye and for how long the goodbye is for they hurt.

Why?

Because my family is designed to work with the four of us together functioning as a unit. To rely on each other for needs, wants, and desires. When one of us is absent whether it be for a day, a month, a year, the family has to adjust to something it isn’t designed to be. It is no longer performing at its optimum, sure we still function, but not with all cylinders firing.

I realize there should always be a longing to be reunited as one family and if that longing is lost, then there is a bigger problem, somewhere my family is broken and needs some adjustment. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t walk around with a frowny face, tears always in my eyes, and unable to function in society. Part of what it means to be an army spouse is to continue to live life, to move about doing things that make you happy and sharing the joys and heartache together with your spouse whether they are 900 or 9,000 miles away.

There was a time when I lost sight of this, I thought that enough time away the longing would and should go away, and that was normal. What I know today is that when separation occurs in our family, no matter the length or distance, I don’t want that longing to go away, I hold onto it with great fervor and know that it is a sign of love and connectedness between our family. It is that feeling of longing and the promise of a reuniting that makes it possible to walk each day apart, yet together.

And on a personal note (cause I know you check this love):

Honey, I love you and my heart longs for you. I will miss you every minute that you are gone and await your return. That feeling of longing for you is one that I cherish, and know exactly what it means and that you feel the same thing for me. I promise you to hold onto that feeling and never let it go – ever. You, and only you are my knight in shining armor, my hero, the love of my life, and the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Thank you for loving me completely and sticking with me through the good and the bad.