The Purse

So, you all know what this is right?!

That's right its a purse! But it is not just any purse this is my purse. Today I was out shopping for things for Ben's end of the year picnic party, and  I noticed I was becoming quite frustrated at every single store when I went to pay and when I went back to the van.  Then it dawned on me.  My frustration was a result of this treacherous place I have now fondly named "the bottomless pit."  My purse is literally busting at the seams.  Have you ever seen those shows for kids where one of the characters can pull ridiculously large things out of some sort of hat.  Well, that's my purse, crap comes out of there that I don't even know how it fits in there or where the hell it came from.  If Let's Make a Deal was still on I would totally rock that show because there are so many weird things in my purse. Oh yes, and ladies, I am a monster at home parties, you know the ones when you have to find items in your purse that begin with certain letters. That's right racking up the tickets, don't hate the player, hate the game! Holla!

So back to my "pit" my day went something like this:

Go to Big Lots, get items, go to pay, search for ten minutes looking for my wallet while my sunglasses are falling off my head, start freaking out that the wallet is actually lost or stolen.  Unload contents onto register (totally embarrassed), find wallet, pay, try to leave parking lot only to repeat above steps at van looking for keys. Curse under my breath at this stupid ass purse!!

Go to Dollar General, get items, go to pay, search for 10 minutes before I get to the register (so as not to be embarrassed again) for my wallet while sunglasses are falling off my head and trying to balance the purse with the items I'm holding while looking.  Get frustrated, unload items onto floor in empty aisle, find wallet (again), go pay, try to leave parking lot, repeat above steps to try to find keys, find keys, hear phone bing with message, search for 10 minutes for phone while getting sweaty cause the air hasn't cooled down yet.  Yell at purse and tell it to stop swallowing my stuff!  Promise myself to get a new purse because this one sucks.

Get smarter than the purse and put the keys, phone and wallet in the side pocket so it doesn't get lost in "the pit."

Go to Dollar Tree, get items, go to pay, search 10 minutes for wallet, can't find it, unload items at register, still can't find it, begin to rummage through all the stuff looking for it, sweat starts to bead on my forehead, begin to freak out, then remember I was smart and put it in the side pocket so it didn't get lost.  Finish loading all my crap back in my purse, pay, stop holding up the line, go to van, remember they are in the side pocket, get in van.  Return to homeostasis after the small freak out session in the Dollar Tree.

So needless to say I was frustrated with this dumb purse! Then my daughter says to me today, "Mom, you need to clean this thing (my purse) out, I can't find anything in here." So here is the truth, the cold hard truth. My purse is fashionable, has several pockets on both sides inside and out, and is shiny, which I love. The problem is me.  I can't seem to keep the thing organized.  Now, like I said send me to a home party and have them say the letter V and I can pull out a violet post it note, velvet change purse, or a piece of Velcro, but send me to a store to take out my wallet and disaster strikes.  Maybe because I have an incessant need to keep all receipts even those for fast food, or maybe because my purse is the catch all for every thing that my children take in with them and then don't want to carry around.  I really have no idea, but none the less I did take a picture of the contents, then dump it out so you could get a real appreciation for what occurred today at multiple registers across Lawton.  Let's just say it wasn't a pretty sight.

Now, just for your entertainment . . .  some of the odd things I found during this dumping out:

A picture of some baby, I have no idea who that is ( I later realized upon further inspection it is a business card).  Again the question arises though, where did I get the business card, I don't have a baby nor do I want one?

A tube of Aquaphor from when I got my tattoo almost a year ago, one of the kid's toys, and two empty containers that I assume held toys from the quarter machines.

Four checkbooks of which only one of them is any good the rest are all used up.  Curious question - I never write checks, I use my debit card 98% of the time.  Why do I have 4 checkbooks and how in the hell did I use up three of them??

In addition there were others such as a "hug" from Ben which is two hands connected by a string that he gave me in case I get lonely during the day without him.  Two sets of keys since Peter is gone (why then could I not find the keys all day when there are two sets in there is beyond me), a plastic spoon still in the plastic, a straw still in the paper wrapper, and about a bazillion receipts for anything and everything.  Needless to say I need to clean out my purse. 

Now you might be wondering since you took the time to dump everything out, take pictures of items, and write about your purse, surely you cleaned it out before you put all that back in your purse.

Uuuummmmmmm . . .

That would have been a great idea like 45 minutes ago since I just chucked it all back in there without a thought.  *sigh*  I'll do it another day.  In the meantime, just hope you don't get stuck behind me at a register as I furiously look for that elusive wallet!