When I think about how I walk out motherhood everyday I sometimes find that I am disappointed in myself. There are times when I feel like I have it spot on or that I have a plan that will make it better and then there are other times when I feel like I am failing on all sides. That my boat is taking on water and I can't bail out the water fast enough. I know that every mother has feelings of failure from time to time, but that thought never helps in the moment you feel like a failure.
Nothing momentous has happened that has made me doubt whether or not I am doing a good job, but I have an overall feeling of failing with my kids that is weighing heavy on my mind that I can't seem to shake. I think it is a build up of alot of things. Yelling more than normal, not enough patience in the face of requests that would normally never even faze me. An anxiety producing thought that my daughter is 6 and already experiences deep guilt when she is in trouble. Wondering if I have played a role in making that so. Do I put too much pressure on her because she is older? The answer to that I am afraid is yes. Am I raising good kids?
I have read some great books on parenting "The Most Important Place On Earth", "Scream Free Parenting" to name a couple and their messages speak directly to my heart, to the mom I want to be for my kids and feel like I am failing to do. Have I done irreparable damage to them that can't be undone? I know the answer is no, but sometimes it feels like I have and I am not sure what to do with that thought.
I know the answer in my head, tomorrow is a day to do things differently. To make better choices, no one is perfect and your children love you. You are a good mother Peter would tell me and my children tell me they love me all the time.
All that being said, I think some heart searching and prayer is in order for me tonight. I need some quiet time to think, to take these thoughts captive and choose to be the mother I want to be, the mom I know I can be.
3 comments:
You're not alone and I know that doesn't make it easier to deal with. And I can't help but think being a "single" parent the added stress and pressure that might be contributing to it. Sending thoughts and prayers your way! If you and the kids ever want to road trip to Atlanta - you're more than welcome and have a place to stay!
No one ever said that motherhood was going to be a breeze or that motherhood came with a set of instructions. I think all mothers have had this thought at least once if not twice or even many times in their life while raising their children. I for one KNOW that you are one of the best mothers I know, including myself. I have always appreciated the tender sentiments you have written to me or about me of patterning yourself after your own Mom (me). Even now, I write this with tears in my eyes because I love you so much, am ever so proud of you and the way you "turned" out that words escape me to tell you in depth just how proud I am of you and what a terrific job you are doing in raising those beautiful grandchildren of mine. Gracie and Ben are 2 of the most behaved, sensitive, and caring kids I know. Well maybe Gracie more than Ben, but she is the princess you know. Sometimes I think if I could go back in time I surely would do some things different when it came to raising my children. It's only natural to have these feelings of failure at times Angela, but God is here to guide you and help you. Just know that you are a wonderful mother, daughter, and sister and I do not say this because you are my daughter, but because these words of sentiment are absolutely and whole heartedly true. I love you Angela. I wish I could be more like you. I need to go get a tissue now. Mom
Thanks mom, you are too good to me sometimes. I love you and miss you all the time. Thanks for being a mom who cares about me and loves me the way only a great mom can.
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